Plucking the Petals from a Rose
by fei
Summary: Clark/Lana - Lana discovers her feelings for Clark and feels that it's too late.


**Plucking the Petals from a Rose**

    

_"Chloe likes me."_

    

It's odd how a conversation-just one conversation-can change the way you feel and how you look at someone. You could know a person your entire life and always look at them in one way. Friend. Then you ask them what's wrong one day and they open up to you, pouring out that day's grievances. I wanted pies. Not a different mindset. I felt my heart sink at those words. Because I knew that deep down he liked her. He liked her more than he would ever like me. It shocked me how bad that thought made me feel. I also knew that he had feelings for me and had them for years, but had never intentionally revealed them to me. Those feelings for me paled in comparison to the feelings I knew he felt for her. In that one moment I wanted to be her. I wanted to be free of my responsibility to everyone, even my boyfriend. I wanted his love. I wanted the answer to my next question to be 'She just a friend. I could only ever really love you...' but I knew that was impossible. I merely no longer held his heart. I paused, faked nonchalance, and plowed ahead.

    

_"So how do you feel about her?"_

    

I knew what his answer was going to be. I heard it echoing through my head as I asked my question. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and run from his house screaming my misfortune to the winds. I stayed though. I stared into those beautiful eyes of his and saw the answer swimming in his eyes, but I stayed rooted to the spot. I saw him crease his brow, considering whether or not he should reveal his true feelings to me. After all, he does have feelings for me. If he revealed feelings for someone else-well, then I might just get the idea that he couldn't have feelings for me because of his feelings for someone else. The twisted logic of the male mind, but it's quite true. I read it somewhere. I watched his decision flash across his face and his lips part. I braced myself for the worst...

    

_"Like maybe we could be more than friends. When I saw her with Justin today, I got kinda..."_

    

...and the worst happened. I felt the bottom drop out of my little world. The impact jarred me and it was like he himself had just punched me in the gut. I smiled prettily at him, to hide the thoughts that were running around in my head. I studied him. He looked so helpless, which was about how I felt. I really didn't know how to react. I saw things that I had only begun to realize slip away before my very eyes like a pile of papers falling to the floor. I wanted to fall to my knees and scramble to pick them up. 'This cannot happen now. I've only just realized my feelings for him...' Inside I was crying, screaming for him to abandon her and take me instead. I kept quiet and merely stared at him, supplying his answer for him.

    

_"Jealous?"_

    

Jealousy. I know exactly what that is. It coursed through my veins then. The cat fighter in me wanted to lash out at him, wanted to know why it was she instead of me. I was jealous of her. I had never felt that way in all my life. I had always gotten-some way or another-exactly what I wanted. Now that he was what I wanted I couldn't have him! There were a number of reasons too. The main one being a certain boy who was on a certain football team and who has a father who is sick. I felt sick then. Because I remembered the trip to the Chandler's Field windmill. I felt his eyes on me as he climbed up the ladder behind me. I felt the ghost of his hands pressing me forward and guiding me. I remember trusting him completely, with closed eyes and all. I remember him saying 'I feel free' and thinking 'That's because he's with me.' Wishful thinking, I suppose. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so complicated. It used to be you lived and you died. Now you fall in love with one of your best friends and they fall in love with one of their best friends. 

    

_"It's like you find out this secret and it colors everything. I just can't believe I never saw it before."_

    

The moment he said that I realized what an idiot I've been. I've known him since I was little. It never hit me until I was in danger of losing him that I had such strong feelings. And all the feelings that ran through my body felt so selfish then. I wanted him to profess his love for because I had decided in a matter of minutes that I was in love with him. It wasn't fair to him and it was cruel of me to even think it. I stared up at him, only one thought running through my head then. I opened my mouth to speak.

    

_"Sometimes the right person can be right in front of your eyes and you never even know it."_

-**fin**-

    

Dialogue taken from 'Crush' (episode 19, season 1). Clark and Lana's first alone conversation of the episode. I'm thinking about continuing with their next conversation.


End file.
